she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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