ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
