Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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