afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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