i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
