Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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