Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
