The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
