i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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