so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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