1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
