tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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