Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you inspire me to be a worse person
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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