apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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