He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
