I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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