NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
