im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
