how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Someone came in the potted fern
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
