you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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