at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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