My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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