I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
