Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I AM VODKA MAN
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
