I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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