how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
