giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
