i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
