I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
