I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
