I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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