I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
