There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
