I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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