I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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