wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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