No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
