You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
