I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
