I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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