I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
