hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
