How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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