sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
