dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
