hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
