hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
