you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
