i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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