"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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